Ten Artnik Intranet
By S. Pasupathy

It was June 9, 1996 (i.e., 6/9/96); a perfect palindromic day. (Palindromes are words like radar, rotor, or sentences like Madam, I’m Adam, which read the same forwards and backwards.) Hence, I decided to visit my friend, Dr. O. Lord, the word expert and palindromist par-excellence. (For more on palindromes and Dr. O. Lord, refer to my May 1986 and August 1986 columns.) Otto has been inviting me to come over to his place for quite some time and witness a hands-on demonstration of a new Internet-based service he is offering for creating new artistic images and paintings. Apparantly a group of ten artists who call themselves “Artniks” (probably fashioned after beatniks) helped Otto to develop the necessary software and methodology for this service, and Otto has been asserting that even complete novices in art — like me — can create pleasing, high-quality images and paintings in a matter of minutes with this program. Besides my desire to try out such a software, I was also hoping that Otto would get into his palindromic mood and answer all my questions with perfect palindromes.
In honor of meeting Dr. O. Lord (and also to put him in the right mood) I was wearing a T-shirt with the slogan “I PREFER PI,” which I had picked up at the last meeting of a Recreational Mathematicians’ Conference I had attended. Otto’s eyes crinkled with pleasure when he saw the palindrome on my T-shirt, and I knew it would be smooth sailing from that moment on. Here are excerpts from my interview:
S. Pasupathy: Otto, let me first get a few impressions of the places you have been visiting to demonstrate your software … Is Hollywood glittery as ever?
Dr.O.Lord: SAME NICE CINEMAS.
S.P. How about Dallas?
O.L. DALLAS IS ALL AD.
S.P. Did you enjoy tobagganing in the Arctic ?
O.L. DID I SLED AT ICE CITADELS? I DID.
S.P. With whom did you go to the Sahara?
O.L. IN AIRY SAHARA’S LEVEL, SARAH, A SYRIAN, I.
S.P. I heard that all the Shahs treated you really nicely …
O.L. NO EVIL SHAHS LIVE ON.
S.P. I believe you ran into some muggers in Miami …
O.L. I MAIM NINE MEN IN MIAMI.
S.P. My goodness! You are brave to tackle so many people alone.
O.L. I, MAN, AM REGAL; A GERMAN AM I.
S.P. Did you enjoy your stay with the Maoris, under the star-studded sky of New Zealand?
O.L. I ROAMED UNDER IT AS A TIRED, NUDE MAORI.
S.P. Now, to the main topic … What have you named this artistic enterprise?
O.L. TEN ARTNIK INTRANET.
S.P. Appropriate name, considering that the group of ten artists known as “Artniks” helped you. Did they really help you?
O.L. TEN DIP A RAPID NET.
S.P. But I heard that there was initially some dissent and differences of opinion among them?
O.L. NO, I NIP OPINION.
S.P.I also heard that you got this idea from a game you saw in a hospital?
O.L. WARD NURSES RUN “DRAW.”
S.P.Ok, let me try sketching a three-dimensional view of a car using your program … How does it look?
O.L. WAS IT A CAR OR CAT I SAW?
S.P. Well, you know I am not very good at art …
O.L. DRAW, O COWARD!
S.P. OK, I will persist … How do I draw this dog’s face?
O.L. DRAW PUPIL’S PUP’S LIP UPWARD.
S.P. What command should I use for uniform coloring?
O.L. LEVEL.
S.P. All the colors look level now; how about “Red”?
O.L. “RED” NOW ON LEVEL, NO WONDER.
S.P. Let me follow your mouse and copy your movements …
O.L. … PULL UP IF I PULL UP.
S.P. The paper seems stuck in the printer. What shall we do?
O.L. WON’T I REPAPER? REPAPER IT NOW.
S.P. Hooray! I seem to be getting the hang of this . . . I feel like hooting!
O.L. TOO HOT TO HOOT.
S.P. Let me see a few of the examples you have already created … Oh, I’m sure this wonderful picture “Stella” would have been bought by now?
O.L. “STELLA” WON NO WALLETS.
S.P. What do you call this painting of a crying Cupid?
O.L. EROS’ EYESORE.
S.P. What does this image of a network of nations, seeming to be stretched beyond recognition by something, represent?
O.L. WAR-DISTENDED NETS I DRAW.
S.P. I feel like getting into this service myself and making a few bucks.
O.L. TRADE YE NO MERE MONEYED ART.
S.P. Don’t you think that Art and Trade can coexist?
O.L. NO, IT IS OPPOSITION.
S.P. But artists have to make a living too, right?
O.L. NO, IT IS OPPOSED; ART SEES TRADE’S OPPOSITION.
S.P. Well, congratulations, Otto! You and your friends have indeed contributed a visionary artistic service to the upcoming 21st century and, indeed, the next millennium.
O.L. ARE WE NOT DRAWN ONWARD, WE FEW, DRAWN ONWARD TO NEW ERA?
On that positive note, I ended my interview with Dr. O. Lord.